talking to my mother

will always, without fail, and invariably, make me into a bitter and petty person. it's something about her voice, a voice that tries to mask any hint of an accent and spurns any acknowledgement of her racial roots. it's something about her need to break a human being down into categories, as if we fit into neat little boxes in her mind. it's something about her ideas of success and failure and that pedigree and diplomas are all that's needed for self-worth and validation. it's something about her incessant monologues about the past. she continually lives in the past.

i mean, i love her. she's my mother. but i could never aspire to her beliefs.

i've become that person

who constantly hates her body. a;lkdjsfa i swear at some point in my life i was skinny.. i know im not overweight but there's no denying that weight has been gained over the past year. but like always i forgo the gym in favor of watching tv and eating nutella straight from the jar... what is wrong with meeeeee. why can't i take control of my life?!

and why do i feel so dependent on sugar?? was it always like this for me????

also i want a tv show that makes me feel real things. but of course all my favorite abc family shows are over (with the exception of pretty little liars except i mostly just enjoy that show at face value). and i enjoy most usa shows but they're just fun... I WANT SOMETHING REAL

omg stoooppp

WHAT is going on in true blood....

and weeds....

maybe there was a reason i stopped watching those shows

setting limits

The thing is, I buy things that I just remotely like, and sometimes it's not even remote. I just buy it because it's relatively cheap. I justify it by saying to myself that I'll eventually wear it at some point in my life. But that's never what happens. So I think I need to limit myself. I'm going to stop buying clothes UNTIL I see something that I really really love. It will probably be expensive. But I think in the long run buying a smaller quantity of more expensive clothes will save me money over buying a larger quantity of less expensive clothes. Or it might just even out...

In fact, if I can handle it, I think I'm not going to spend any more money on clothing this summer EXCEPT for a pair of wedges/heels/chunky sandals that I have been dyingggggggggg to have forever. So I can save up and get a really great pair of shoes!

I'm worried about next year. I'm always worried about the future, but this time more so. I've always been so self conscious of my environment and how I act in it and with whom I interact and connect. Honestly, how much mental growth and maturity have I underwent between my first year of college and the end of high school? It's hardly quantifiable. I can't detect it at all, and it's troublesome. College doesn't seem to be working for me?

i have a compulsive online shopping disorder

in which i have to constantly buy stuff.......
i should transfer some of my money into savings, that way i would have less money to immediately spend in my checking account
even though savings is basically the same as my checking account but only a click away
but it's the principle that counts

ughhh having little work to do in lab in enabling my disorder

thoughts? hardly

so i got a tumblr... for a number of reasons i can't remember right now. but i ended up just reblogging photos of pandas (albeit ADORABLE photos of pandas) and squealing about the various tv shows i watch and finding pretty graphics to go along with my squeals. for a short time last summer (or maybe over winter break?) i started a model tumblr. it was pretty successful!!! but then i forgot about it.

i am sitting in lab, not doing anything. i've definitively decided that research and graduate school are NOT for me. i dont know if maybe it's my own specific project that is particularly boring.. because the other girl in my lab is busy doing lots of stuff. i just spent the morning preparing a dialysis buffer... put my protein sample in the dialyzer... which i then put into the dialysis buffer. im going to change the buffer at the end of the day, and it's going to be dialyzing overnight. in between all of that i guess im going to vary between fb, gmail, firstclass, and writing down random stuff in my lab notebook.

my life at wellesley over the summer seems to revolve around food. when am i getting food? what food am i getting? what am i going to eat? carbs were my friends the first week i was here... poptarts and pasta mmm! now i have added some fruit and protein to the mix. hopefully i wont be that malnourished by the end of the summer.