talking to my mother

will always, without fail, and invariably, make me into a bitter and petty person. it's something about her voice, a voice that tries to mask any hint of an accent and spurns any acknowledgement of her racial roots. it's something about her need to break a human being down into categories, as if we fit into neat little boxes in her mind. it's something about her ideas of success and failure and that pedigree and diplomas are all that's needed for self-worth and validation. it's something about her incessant monologues about the past. she continually lives in the past.

i mean, i love her. she's my mother. but i could never aspire to her beliefs.

i've become that person

who constantly hates her body. a;lkdjsfa i swear at some point in my life i was skinny.. i know im not overweight but there's no denying that weight has been gained over the past year. but like always i forgo the gym in favor of watching tv and eating nutella straight from the jar... what is wrong with meeeeee. why can't i take control of my life?!

and why do i feel so dependent on sugar?? was it always like this for me????

also i want a tv show that makes me feel real things. but of course all my favorite abc family shows are over (with the exception of pretty little liars except i mostly just enjoy that show at face value). and i enjoy most usa shows but they're just fun... I WANT SOMETHING REAL