talking to my mother

will always, without fail, and invariably, make me into a bitter and petty person. it's something about her voice, a voice that tries to mask any hint of an accent and spurns any acknowledgement of her racial roots. it's something about her need to break a human being down into categories, as if we fit into neat little boxes in her mind. it's something about her ideas of success and failure and that pedigree and diplomas are all that's needed for self-worth and validation. it's something about her incessant monologues about the past. she continually lives in the past.

i mean, i love her. she's my mother. but i could never aspire to her beliefs.

i've become that person

who constantly hates her body. a;lkdjsfa i swear at some point in my life i was skinny.. i know im not overweight but there's no denying that weight has been gained over the past year. but like always i forgo the gym in favor of watching tv and eating nutella straight from the jar... what is wrong with meeeeee. why can't i take control of my life?!

and why do i feel so dependent on sugar?? was it always like this for me????

also i want a tv show that makes me feel real things. but of course all my favorite abc family shows are over (with the exception of pretty little liars except i mostly just enjoy that show at face value). and i enjoy most usa shows but they're just fun... I WANT SOMETHING REAL

omg stoooppp

WHAT is going on in true blood....

and weeds....

maybe there was a reason i stopped watching those shows

setting limits

The thing is, I buy things that I just remotely like, and sometimes it's not even remote. I just buy it because it's relatively cheap. I justify it by saying to myself that I'll eventually wear it at some point in my life. But that's never what happens. So I think I need to limit myself. I'm going to stop buying clothes UNTIL I see something that I really really love. It will probably be expensive. But I think in the long run buying a smaller quantity of more expensive clothes will save me money over buying a larger quantity of less expensive clothes. Or it might just even out...

In fact, if I can handle it, I think I'm not going to spend any more money on clothing this summer EXCEPT for a pair of wedges/heels/chunky sandals that I have been dyingggggggggg to have forever. So I can save up and get a really great pair of shoes!

I'm worried about next year. I'm always worried about the future, but this time more so. I've always been so self conscious of my environment and how I act in it and with whom I interact and connect. Honestly, how much mental growth and maturity have I underwent between my first year of college and the end of high school? It's hardly quantifiable. I can't detect it at all, and it's troublesome. College doesn't seem to be working for me?

i have a compulsive online shopping disorder

in which i have to constantly buy stuff.......
i should transfer some of my money into savings, that way i would have less money to immediately spend in my checking account
even though savings is basically the same as my checking account but only a click away
but it's the principle that counts

ughhh having little work to do in lab in enabling my disorder

thoughts? hardly

so i got a tumblr... for a number of reasons i can't remember right now. but i ended up just reblogging photos of pandas (albeit ADORABLE photos of pandas) and squealing about the various tv shows i watch and finding pretty graphics to go along with my squeals. for a short time last summer (or maybe over winter break?) i started a model tumblr. it was pretty successful!!! but then i forgot about it.

i am sitting in lab, not doing anything. i've definitively decided that research and graduate school are NOT for me. i dont know if maybe it's my own specific project that is particularly boring.. because the other girl in my lab is busy doing lots of stuff. i just spent the morning preparing a dialysis buffer... put my protein sample in the dialyzer... which i then put into the dialysis buffer. im going to change the buffer at the end of the day, and it's going to be dialyzing overnight. in between all of that i guess im going to vary between fb, gmail, firstclass, and writing down random stuff in my lab notebook.

my life at wellesley over the summer seems to revolve around food. when am i getting food? what food am i getting? what am i going to eat? carbs were my friends the first week i was here... poptarts and pasta mmm! now i have added some fruit and protein to the mix. hopefully i wont be that malnourished by the end of the summer.

college rebel

1. cutting classes and sleeping in late
2. broke into the dining hall at 1 in the morning and stole some grapes, cereal, and an orange
3. went tunelling aka travelling through secret passageways underground, breaking through doors, squeezing between and stepping over burning pipes all the way to the greenhouse. i might die/get cancer as a result of the asbestos dust down in the tunnels
4. slipped through a window in a bathroom on the 5th floor to get to the roof of the science center

tee veee

new favorite tv show: JUSTIFIED
i never thought i'd be attracted to a southern accent, but timothy olyphant makes it work. plus he's ruggedly handsome and can handle a gun.

shows i am still excited to watch each week:
-FlashForward : i love simon, he makes everything so exciting
-Fringe : TOTALLY CALLED THE ENDING with the other walter (peter's real father) being the ambassador or whatever. i hope that episode wasn't the season finale :(
-Community : paintball episode was pure gold, except for the whole britta and jeff hooking up thing. jeff has a nice body

shows that i forget about then get excited when i remember there's a new episode:
-The Good Wife : initially only started watching for matt czuchry but im enjoying the actual legal cases and plot
-Smallville : oliver and chloe are finally together!!! i hope it lasts for awhile

shows i watch out of habit:
-Glee : not really expecting much anymore. the songs are still fun though! finn is really big... he like towers over rachel. and he has a hulking torso. I LOVE JESSE ST JAMES aka jon groff
-Gossip Girl : blair and chuck must reunite and then all will be right with the world

shows that i secretly watch but don't talk about:
-All the other CW shows: Vampire Diaries, 90210, Melrose Place

shows i watch that demonstrate that i desperately need a life:
-10 Things I Hate About You: completely ruined the movie... have no idea why i am watching this... i spend too much time on hulu

oliver

my future husband's name will be oliver
and he will have dirty blond hair

seeking empathy

i wish i could find someone who completely and wholly understands me

I'm sick of just liking people. I wish to God I could meet somebody I could respect.

J.D. Salinger died yesterday. I remember first reading his celebrated classic, The Catcher in the Rye in middle school. I had an obsession with Holden's phrases- "Christ," "phony," and "helluva." And I suppose the story of a lost, tortured soul trying to stay afloat appealed to my middle school girlish fantasies. Actually, that much hasn't really changed through the years...

I regret not having reread Catcher recently. 

I also have copies of Franny and Zooey and Nine Stories. Franny and Zooey I read back in 8th grade as an independent book. I never got around to finishing Nine Stories. The only short story I vaguely remember was something about a couple at the beach and bananas. I love the idea of Salinger's characters, with their quirks and facades and phoniness and affected speech I wish I could only imitate both on paper and verbally- but if I knew them in real life, I'd probably find them incredibly annoying. Nevertheless, Salinger managed to entrance my mind with his stories, which was quite a feat. As I got older I found less and less stories that I enjoyed reading. I think it's time I start returning to the books of my childhood. 

RIP J.D Salinger

wasteland

I waste far too much time watching TV, and I'm embarrassed about half of the stuff I watch. 

I'm actually quite invested in most of my tv shows, but I've had some falling outs this year. For example: PR, ANTM, 30 Rock. I started watching the first few episodes of the new PR season this year religiously, but after awhile I stopped. I completely forgot about ANTM (a once obsessive guilty pleasure) and 30 Rock just kind of fell off my radar. 

Now onto the CW shows...

Iam Somerhalder is the only reason I watch Vampire Diaries. And Stefan's fake 8 pack. 

I'm not really sure why I watch 90210 or Melrose Place. None of the guys in Melrose are even remotely attractive to me. But I like Liam in 90210 even though I cringe basically every time he opens his mouth.

Gossip Girl is like the 100th oreo I'm stuffing into my mouth; I'm starting to feel sick but I keep eating.

I still keep up with Grey's Anatomy and Ugly Betty. Each successive episode has been improving. The last Ugly Betty ep had me squealing with happiness. Marc and Amanda are still my faves. Desperate Housewives is eh.

GLEE- I was super excited about this show and the first few eps lived up to my expectations. Lately though, the drama isn't as light hearted and actually kind of annoying. I'm not liking the songs as much. Quinn infuriates me. Sometimes I feel like Rachel's face is melting. But I love Matthew Morrison and Emma's wardrobe too much to stop watching.

Community- my favorite comedy at the moment. I literally laugh out loud each episode. I'm only slightly annoyed by Britta's lips.

Cougar Town- I can't believe I'm admitting to watching this, but it's actually funny. Thanksgiving episode was unbelieveably cute.

White Collar- I saw the commercials and Matthew Bomer was too ridiculously good looking not to check out the show. Fun plot. But I feel like Matthew's character doesn't do anything except respond. Whatever, he totally works that fedora. 

V- I actually like this show. Ever since seeing Star Trek I have become strangely receptive to scifi stuff now. I just wish there were more hot Vs.

Nip/Tuck- I started watching again when I saw the episodes were available on Hulu. Each season gets crazier and crazier. I kind of love it.

There are other shows I watch sporadically, but I can't really remember them.

I'm really excited for Damages starting again next month.

I'm so upset with Skins series 3, but I'll probably end up watching series 4 too. I think it starts in January as well. I'm also upset about an American Skins, but I guess it's because I secretly wish I could be in it. 

live long and prosper

so i watched star trek for the first time last week when my dad bought the dvd

i have become so infatuated with chris pine that i decided to write a poem

chris pine-ing

his face stares at me from the couch, suggestive and sexy

in black and white behind glossy plastic, newly purchased and

compelled to be seen in technicolor magic and blurs of digital persuasion 

now he's on the screen, jumping from earth to space

cocky

all-american

buff

raw

eyes and smiles

if only 200 years and a fantasy didn't separate us

old school

here's a poem i wrote in 8th grade. i thought the rhyming was cute. 

Emotions come and go

Anger burning red

Happy giving glow

Sad nature grieves

Pride, feel the glory

Guilt—heaviness it heaves

But Love- stays far and close

Fills hearts full and warm

Speaks ordinary prose

Yet words delicate strung

For the things I love

Are difficult to assess.

But palpable over all above

My family I cherish and love.

----

now if you go on google and image search "strawberry yogurt" i guarantee you will feel so much better and might explode into a million peaces of cheese puff. 

scoops!

Right now I'm munching on Tostitos' scoops, which i have to say are quite deliciousss. except they hurt my teeth. and i have no dip, so it's kind of pointless for them to be in the scoop shape. and i'm eating on my bed while watching gymnastics; i feel unsanitary.

to all dem cheese haters out there

_____ : I can imagine you regurgitating an infinite void of cheese

out of all your orifices

_______: http://cm1.theinsider.com/media/0/71/12/mischa_marton_cheese_may_sm.0.0.0x0.432x493.jpeg

CHEESY

You are all officially banned from my cheesedom. 

do cheese have carbs?

I forgot to add in BRIE. I LOVE BRIE AND CRACKERS.

But seriously, people. Moderation is key.

... cheese diet?

you are what you eat

I haven't had cheese sticks in a while. I guess I'm not a cheese stick. But I have had string cheese within the last 12 hours. I actually like cheese. Some cheeses don't have a strong taste; I like those cheeses best. My dad uses this special kind of cheese, gruyere, to make croque monsieur. I once had this pizza from a Greek restaurant which had reallllllly strong goat cheese. My mom complained because none of us would eat it. We also buy provolone cheese to use in sandwiches; those are addicting. You can never get enough slices. It's the same with cheese sticks, but I haven't had a cheese stick for some time now. If I did, I guarantee I could eat a whole box in half an hour. I love cheese!!!!!!